I feel dad guilt. I work so hard to balance being a dad with bodybuilding and ministry but I never escape the feeling that I’m failing. I’ve been praying a lot about what God’s plan for me looks like. It feels pretty terrible that the results of my one year prep for Greece and Budapest was a bottom placing and the ending of our Mission trips to Hungary. The sacrifice for all these things doesn’t feel worth it. I want to be a good dad for Jeremiah and be true to who I am as a person. It’s been a hard year trying to learn about my son and learning about myself. When I wrestle with my feelings I take hope that God is with our family. I know that God loves Jeremiah and God loves me. He’s going to be with me on this journey. I have faith that Jeremiah will grow up to be a great person. I have faith that God still a lot in store for me in bodybuilding. I have faith that Jesus will save the orphans in Budapest. I can’t see it now but that’s what faith is.

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